I waited four long months for this! Okay *dusts off keyboard* let's get to it!
The episode opens, just after the events of Lucious and Anika's wedding (a.k.a. Hakeem's would-be wedding). Hakeem, still jilted and heartbroken, storms out and drives off in a white "Just Married" Beetle. As if being left at the altar already wasn't sad enough. As the family looks on, Rhonda falls from the balcony after her fight with Boo Boo Kitty Anika and is presumably dead.
A distraught Andre confronts Anika who weakly attempts to defend her actions before her water breaks. Noticeably absent from all of the action is Cookie who is at home packing after walking out on Lucious. The notable part about all of this isn't that Cookie isn't with her family while drama is happening, it is that she is away from her family--in sweats! Cookie Lyon in sweats ... This might actually be the most shocking moment of the episode.
Anyway, Hakeem makes his way to former girlfriend Tiana's place insisting that he's always loved her, but Tiana is having none of it.
Back at the hospital everyone tries to process Rhonda's death, the presence of the feds at the hospital and the impending birth of Boo Boo Kitty Anika and Hakeem's child.
Lucious makes his way to the delivery room as Anika is about to push. After hurriedly putting on the "I'm the husband/dad" act for the doctors, Lucious instructs Anika to tell the feds that Rhonda jumped and attempted to pull her down too and threatens (once again) to kill her if she doesn't stick to the script. Anika finally gives birth ... to a baby girl, not exactly the male heir Lucious was hoping for. Did I mention that this is only the first 10 minutes of the episode?
Lucious meets with French Montana, Birdman (insert "Put some respeck on my name" joke here) and 2 Chainz to discuss them signing over their catalogs to his new streaming service Empire Xtream. All three men are skeptical of Lucious, citing Empire's declining stock and Lucious' own increasingly messy personal life as reasons why they shouldn't join forces with him. Lucious assures them that he will be on top once again.
The following morning we learn that in addition to having to be musically talented without being a threat to Lucious' success, the Lyon children are also not given appropriate grieving time in the event of the death of a spouse. Lucious states that Andre should be at their family meeting for the sake of the Lyon Legacy before turning his sights on his son Hakeem, the situational alcoholic. Lucious gets on Hakeem's case for leaving and not being there for his child's birth or to sign the birth certificate. Lucious has stepped into the daddy role by signing the birth certificate and taking Hakeem's daughter. So Baby Lyon now has two daddies and one daddy is the other daddy's daddy--I threw up a little in my mouth just writing that. Hakeem tells Lucious he wants his daughter back. When Cookie calls him out too, Hakeem takes full advantage of the lack of brooms or other beating cleaning apparatus in the room and mouths off to her as well.
Cookie informs the youngest Lyon that if he doesn't step up, she'll lose respect for him.
Hakeem heads to the booth to lay down some tracks. Shine Johnson, his wedding crasher, shows up in the studio and says Hakeem's track is lame. Hakeem attempts to ask him to leave before Lucious intervenes. Shine accuses Lucious of leaving him behind and Lucious proves that whenever the Lyon family needs to absolve themselves of wrongdoing they invoke God with Lucious insisting, "I didn't leave you behind, God did." Shine leaves but not before using a soundboard to beat the stuffing out of an innocent sound engineer.
Cookie and her sisters Candace and Carol (this trio will henceforth be known as C³) are reminiscing but Cookie is annoyed that her sisters keep bringing up Tariq. Cookie prepares to show them the door when she realizes that Tariq has been listening in on her conversation. Tariq informs Cookie of his plan to prove Lucious' marriage to Boo Boo Kitty Anika is fake so he can subpoena her.
Lucious and Cookie go to pick Anika up from the hospital but learn that she was already discharged against his wishes. Lucious has his security bring Anika, the baby (whose name is Bella) and some of her things to his house to make it look like she is moving in with him. Anika encounters Leah, who despite last season is somehow still allowed around knives AND food. Leah makes it clear that she doesn't trust Anika and accuses her of trying to poison her.
Tariq shows up at Lucious' house where Lucious insists that he is family and invites him over to dinner despite the fact that Tariq is actively trying to build a case against him (so far he's fitting right into the Lyon mold). Meanwhile, Shine confronts Lucious about his past behavior and makes a deal with Lucious. He won't cause any more disruptions at Empire headquarters as long as Nessa (who has yet to say a word during this episode) is allowed to perform with Jamal at the Empire Xstream event. Shine then goes to the studio with Hakeem to have him rap over a new track that he produced. Also, Nessa finally speaks and rejects Hakeem.
Jamal rehearses for the Empire Xstream event, performing his new song "Free Freda." Okay, I understand they were close and all and yes Lucious is responsible for her father's death, but Freda still shot Jamal. Cookie lets Jamal know that his song selection won't go over well with Lucious.
Then we have dinner with Tariq, which features so many cringe-worthy moments I won't even bother trying to write this out in paragraph form.
- Hakeem tries to hold a baby ... yes it looks as uncomfortable as it sounds. The only thing more uncomfortable is Lucious trying to seem like a nurturing father, which also happens during this scene.
- Tariq grabs asparagus off of a serving plate---with his hands.
- There is talk of DNA testing bed sheets for semen to prove that Anika and Lucious have *ahem* consummated their marriage.
- Tariq punctuates every word he says with a half bitten asparagus.
- Lucious and Anika share a grossly awkward kiss.
This alone should have been enough for a warrant ...
The cast also summarizes pretty much everything that has happened in the last two seasons, so if you're just now starting to watch Empire now, the season 3 premiere will catch you up in no time.
After Tariq insults Cookie the whole family verbally assaults him--except Cookie and Lucious who calmly attempts to bribe Tariq by saying that he's family and Lucious takes care of his family.
The next day is the Empire Xtream concert. Jamal suffers a panic attack as he starts to sing and is helped off the stage by Hakeem. Nessa, who has still only had one line this entire episode begins to sing, effectively stealing the spotlight from the Lyons and Tiana who looks on from the audience, clearly unhappy that she has to defend her title as princess of Empire from yet another budding starlet.
Lucious is furious with Jamal for ruining the performance and for trying to use Freda to make him look bad. Lucious points out that it is his dirty work that feeds his family.
We're then treated to another uncomfortable scene with Lucious trying to seem paternal. Cookie comes in to say goodnight to Bella. Despite Lucious' attempts to remind Cookie of their history, Cookie asks that Lucious respect her desires to keep things strictly business with him from now on.
Andre is riddled with guilt over Rhonda's death and is on the verge of another mental break. He begins to hallucinate Rhonda's spirit, telling him that he can't function without her.
The final scene shows Lucious sharing his scheme to evade the feds and protect his legacy with Baby Bella. I mean, if you're looking for a willing co-conspirator who won't talk, a baby is probably the best option.
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