'X Factor' Recap - Auditions #4

Maybe it’s that, in the past two weeks, I’ve watched a collected six hours of The X Factor and spent another three or four ruminating on the show to write these recaps, but the whole production is starting to get on my nerves. I’ve watched a lot of reality television, especially talent competition shows, but something about X Factor leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I think it comes down to the tone and sense that X Factor is overproduced and unoriginal. It feels like a rip-off of better shows; a sugary, slight-chemically-tasting lollypop of a manufactured entertainment. Not that every reality TV show isn’t controlled by unseen producers, but with X Factor, the puppet strings are beginning to show. The contestants all seem too tailor-made and handpicked, have seemingly artificial names like Stone Martin, Brandy Love and Colton Pack and good looks that seem suited for an Abercrombie ad. Where are the regular folks? I feel the need to add this here as some counterbalance to the kvetching that will soon follow. I’m not usually this cynical and ill tempered, I promise.

Right outta the gate was Andrew Scholtz, a made-for-TV teen idol. The all-American, plaid-shirt wearing, vaguely handsome Andrew sang a song I didn’t recognize but was as bland and forgettable as his personality. While Kelly called him “a little bit karaoke,” Simon disagreed and basically bullied the other judges into letting him sing another song. His second number was better, but it’s hard to get away from the fact that Andrew is stiff and awkward on stage with about as much talent as the second runner up at your local high school talent show. In the end, Simon got his way and Andrew got four yesses. Even pessimistic Demi jumped on Andrew…woops, I mean the Andrew bandwagon.

When we first met Blake Shankle he told the camera he often gets compared, at least physically, to Robin Thicke, Justin Bieber and Adam Levine. So right off the bat, it’s no surprise Blake is a wannabe slimeball ladies man whose goal is to be “the most famous guy in the world.” His first problem, well second after a severe lack of talent, is choosing to sing “Jar of Hearts,” a pretty, if not lyrically sophomoric and emo, piano ballad. Trying to ad runs to a fairly straightforward ballad, Blake’s singing is messy and whiny. He quickly gets four nos, but (oh Lord, I feel a rant coming on) it seems the critiques are for the wrong reasons. No mention of the nasal tone or the weird, mush-mouthed pronunciation, the only real comments is that he is too “theatrical” and, as Demi says, “Broadway.”

(OK, I can’t help it, quick rant ahead. It bothers me to no end when judges from all of these shows use those words – “theatrical” and “Broadway” – to describe overly performed, badly sung songs. Rachel Potter, whom the judges and I adored, is a professionally trained Broadway singer. Fantastia Barino, Jordin Sparks, Taylor Hicks, Constantine Maroulis, Syesha Mercado, Clay Aiken and soon, Crystal Bowersox, have all been on Broadway either before or after American Idol. Does that make them any less of a pop singer? And what about pop royalty like Madonna, Lady Gaga and even Beyonce? Doesn’t their stage shows and performances invoke a certain theatrical quality? Perhaps this is a personal thorn in my side as an avid theater fan – and someone who has loved to listen, watch and be in musicals most my life – but theatrical singing should never equal over-the-top, lousy performances. I guarantee that if you stack up some Broadway singers – Idina Menzel, Shoshana Bean, Stephanie J. Block, Raul Esparza, Brian D’Arcy James, LaChanze, just to name a few – against anyone who has auditioned on X Factor so far, the X Factor peeps would be blown out of the water. Sorry, rant ended.)

Phew, I feel better now. After Mr. Shankle, we’re treated to another Montage of Nos, ironically underscored by “Blurred Lines.” Yes folks, “Blurred Lines” is being used to demonstrate a group of (mostly) girls saying “no.” Meditate on that for a moment. While the song choice was downright funny, the montage did show a few truly bizarre moments including a girl rapping in Pig Latin and a contestant whose audition technique is out of the box, quite literally.

Following the nos was four big yesses for Ellona Santiago. This 16-year-old blew the judges away with a big, brassy performance of “Wings” by Little Mix. It was a bit style over substance, but Ellona had great charisma and a big ol’ R&B voice that, if given the proper training, could be a knock-out. After she sang, Ellona admitted that she had been on X Factor before, as part of a girl group in Season 1 called inTENsity (now isn’t that the single worst group name you’ve ever heard? And who came up with it? Paula Abdul, no less). I didn’t watch X back then, but Simon was impressed at how far Ellona has come. Hey, at least the producers didn’t masquerade her X Factor history. The way this show is going, I’ll take it.

It’s a good thing I’m not giving my critiques live because I could already hear the boos for what I am about to say. The next contestant, Stone Martin, was truly terrible; a “Baby”-era Bieber-clone down to the cutesy hair flip and “gee wiz” squeaky-clean earnestness. Not surprisingly he sang “Little Things” by One Direction, a comically over-the-top love letter of a song in which the singer compliments the unnamed girl by naming all her insecurities (including her thighs and weight-gain, I kid you not.) I don’t have the time to get into the wonderful comedic gift that is “Little Things” but I can send you to Todd In The Shadows whose deconstruction is truly hilarious and well-thought-out. But back to Stone Martin, a name that sounds better suited to a cocktail than a 14-year-old. He’s vocally weak, partly due to the fact that I’d bet his voice isn’t done changing, but the judges ate him up. To complete the whole charade was a crying preteen girl in the audience à la Sanjaya. As if I wasn’t already cranky enough…

Sort of like yesterday’s Carlos Guevara I was very worried about Ashly Williams the minute they faded to a package about her murdered mother underscored by that abused animal anthem “Eyes Of An Angel.” My eyes were already getting ready to roll, especially when she announced she was singing “I Will Always Love You,” a Mount Everest of a song that’s both typically over-played and under-performed. But I got to hand it to Ashly, she can really sing. In a perfect example of song meets story, Ashly sang the Dolly/Whitney classic with a personal passion. Perhaps the song was a bit too big for her, it sometimes veered a little sharp, but it was hard not to be moved by her song and story. So much so, I’m not even gonna comment on the fact that she desperately needed Chloe J and CJ from the last episode to give her a new hairdo. I felt the love, people, I really did. Ashly’s a star.

The X Factor airs Wednesday and Thursday nights on Fox