'Next Food Network Star' Recap - Winner Chosen

While the judges kept insisting that this season of Next Food Network Star was exciting, dramatic and as entertaining as ever, I couldn’t help but agree with booted contestant Danushka who called one of her peers “vanilla boring.” In fact, “vanilla boring” is a pretty good way to describe this whole season. If past seasons could be boiled down to one dish – a foie gras donut (last year’s wunderkind winner Justin, whose show has mysterious yet to air) to a rich Indian curry (Aarti) to even a greasy, decadent burger (the overgrown frat boy that is Guy Fieri) – season nine could be compared to…what?...a helping of fried chicken or a piece of pie. Not bad for a picnic, but as the staple of a TV show, it falls flat. Very flat.

This final episode seemed to cement in my mind just how under seasoned season 9 has been. As the judges praised the contestants before rolling tape that recounted the season, I realized I barely remembered any of the dishes and even forgot some of the contestants. That Latin guy with a beard that lost a ton of weight? Yup, forgot about him totally. Should I look him up so at least he can have the dignity of a name? Perhaps. But I bet you forgot about him too, so why bother.

In fact, my mind wandered a lot in this hour-long show that contained about 30 seconds of content. How, for instance, would anyone think Russell, who seems better suited for a P90x DVD that a cooking show, would be the next Bobby Flay? Why would anyone name their child Nikki Dinki? Why does Demaris look so much like my friend Gin? What planet does Danushka come from? And, most importantly, why doesn’t she have her own show? Not a cooking show, mind you, Danushka’s too mechanical and icy – Regina George meets Narinia’s White Witch (with just a tiny dash of Hannibal Lecter?) – for the Food Network. But, is it just me, or would she make a killer Fashion Police host. Better yet, stick her own a Survivor island. Now that would be must-see TV.

Is it bad that, during Star’s season finale I was fantasizing about other shows? Besides some banter and a few awkward Skype calls, the only thing that came close to entertainment was two blooper reels of the season, one of the contestants and one for the judges. (Speaking of spin-offs, wouldn’t you pay to see a Bobby/Giada/Alton Three’s Company style sitcom? Would Too Many Cooks… be clichéd?)

OK, OK. This is a recap, a duty I’ve been abandoned for the past few hundred words, so recap I must. Russell, known for his culinary sins, came in third place. Not surprisingly, Demaris, the kooky, sweet-and-spicy southern chef won the top prize. In my first review, I think I called her reminiscent of a Kristen Wiig character, and that description is both very fitting and more of a compliment than you’d think. She’s hot sauce in a competition full of some very bland white rice.

Her show idea, called Eat, Date, Love is fun and quirky, although something tells me it’s a little too wacky for Bob and Suzie. But in the hands of the right producers, Demaris could make any show fun and flavorful.

Well, that’s all folks. Another season of Star is over. The burners are turned off, the clock is no longer ticking and the product placement is at rest. Season 9 was about returning to the show’s roots after a Voice style competition last year. Whether it was the bland constants, or the show is just getting stale with age is anyone’s guess (the former would be mine). Next time, I’d hope the Committee brings on more interesting, unique POVs (no more grilling, no more “family style,” no more comfort food) to serve a demographic not represented on the Network, like how Aerti brought Indian food a few season ago, and focus more on the trade of being a TV host and less on dramatics and random tasks.

Perhaps I’m asking too much. Perhaps I should let Star be what it is and be happy with Vanilla Boring. Perhaps I’ll be back to review Demaris’ show whenever it hits the air. Until then, I’ve survived to cook another day and so have you.