Kay Lesh Interview

INTERVIEW WITH KAY LESH FROM TheCelebrityCafe.com ARCHIVES

DM) Would you say your book can apply to men, too, rather than just to women?

KL) The book was written primarily for women, because much of the work my co-author and I have done has been with women. Money issues tend to be different for women because of the cultural and family messages telling women it's unfeminine to deal with money. Men get opposite messages. They ARE supposed to deal with money, to "automatically" know how to handle it and to make lots of it. So, they get pressure of a different sort. I believe men would benefit from looking at their messages about money, and they could adapt what we say about women to fit them. At the very least, our book will help men better understand the women in their lives, especially given the fact that a major issue couples fight about is money.

DM) Besides gender, how strong are some other issues which influence our views on money, such as age and culture?

KL) Age and culture help define our gender roles, so it is difficult to separate out just where one stops and the other starts. In our Western culture, we do see some different attitudes in different age groups. You probably know older women who have been really lost when they become widowed. Because the husband has always taken care of the money, these women have minimal knowledge of how to handle it. They are the ones we read about in the newspaper who have fallen prey to some slick talking swindler. Or, they are afraid to invest money they have and so keep it hidden under the mattress or in some bank account which pays such low interest they may as well keep it under the mattress. Why did the "Beardstown Ladies" (before their fall from grace) make headlines? Because we don't expect older women to be savvy with money. More cases in point: There are wives who don't know how much money their husbands make. The husbands deal with all the finances. Younger women have the advantage of having more money of their own, so they are perhaps more comfortable with it, but they're still not immune to messages which hold them back. All age groups need to be aware of old depowering messages to let go of them so we can write new ones.

DM) Will a healthy balance come for women in our lifetimes?

KL) Yes. That's why we wrote Our Money, Ourselves. Women are ready for this balance. As women, we have made so many changes in other areas that money is the last frontier. Letting go of old ideas allows us to use money as a tool and let go of the emotional stuff that's holding us back.

DM) In your book, you talk about self-sabotage. I find that all too often, right when the opportunity for success comes around, I both avoid and ignore it. How does one overcome that?

KL) Ah, you've hit upon the power our old messages have over us!! They are so ingrained, and that's why they are so sneaky. We act on them without really being conscious of what's going on. It's like being on automatic pilot. Many of our old messages, and the resulting self-sabotaging behaviors, are based on fears. We need to identify and label the fears, and then check them for reality. Most of the old fears no longer fit. It also helps to identify the source of the old messages. Then we can clearly see that these messages are not relevant to how we want to live our lives today. Bringing the old messages out in the open changes our reality and our behavior.

DM) But simply identifying them can make that much of a difference?

KL) Well, yes and no. Identifying the old messages is very important. Sometimes awareness in itself is powerful enough that that is all that's needed. We get that "Ah Ha" jolt, and things are never the same. We can't continue our old behaviors with quite the same gusto, once we have our awareness raised. That's the "yes" part of the answer. A second part, which is the "no" part, is that change takes work. If we can couple our newly found awareness with a desire to change, we are on the way to behavior which is healthier for us. We give suggestions for changing old behaviors in Our Money, Ourselves.

DM) What have readers' reactions been?

KL) We have gotten very supportive responses from readers. Women like the ideas in the book, and the exercises, to help them make changes. I've had women say things like, "That's exactly what I do," or "That's an issue that I've wondered about." Men also have been very positive and have said the book helps them understand the women in their lives. This is not a "male-bashing" book, and most men have seen it as a useful explanation of some of the dynamics which have been problematic in relationships.

DM), Changing behaviors can be a very difficult thing. How does somebody find the strength to do that?

KL) Behavioral change can indeed be difficult. We hang on to old stuff, not because it serves us well, but because we are used to it. It is important to know that change is possible. One thing that we help readers do is to form a vision of how they would like their relationship with money to be. With this clear vision, change becomes possible. We encourage them to write down their goals and explore ways they might sabotage their change. Enlist the aid of friends to encourage you in your growth. Start small and build on what you have accomplished. Keep your vision of how you want things to be clear, and keep moving toward it.

DM) It sounds a lot easier said than done.

KL) Depends on how you look at it. Change is part of the human condition; nothing remains static. Changing our attitudes and thus our behaviors is a positive way of living. We are capable of changing our lives, and people do it every day. We return to school to update old skills or learn new ones. We make health-related changes, such as stopping smoking or changing eating behaviors. We leave a dead-end job for a more rewarding one. It happens all the time. Why not drop old hurtful attitudes and add more growth-producing ones? I strongly believe in the power of individuals to change.

DM) There are those who say, "People never change. The person you meet now is the same one you'll know in 20 years." What do you think?

KL) If I agreed with that statement, I would need to give up my career as a therapist. People need information, encouragement, a belief that they can take control over their lives, and an action plan to do just that. Here is a quote I like; I think it illustrates what I'm talking about. It's from a futurist named Joel Barker. He says: " Vision without action is just daydreaming; action without vision is merely biding time, but vision plus action can change the world." In our book, we have tried to give women both vision and an action plan. Let me know if you have further questions.